183224 - Last Night in Phoenix

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there - I'm Georgie. I'm dropping in at the Brohawks and Beards blog to write a guest post or two and to share my experiences on what has become one of the most infamous road trips of all time. After being delayed for 15,165,259 hours at JFK, I finally got into Phoenix at around midnight. Sean, Kyle, and my fellow guest road tripper, Dave Cantu, had already made it out to local Arizona State hot spot, the Mill Cue Bar. They were accompanied by ASU legend and all-around good guy Mike Colpitts AKA Mikey Pepperoncini. As I made my way to the bar in a cab with a malfunctioning air conditioner, I was struck by the fact that the thermometer was north of 100 despite it being almost 1am. The intense heat was unfortunately no anomaly and would prove to haunt the Bros for the entirety of our time in Tempe.
When I arrived at the Mill Cue Bar, I was greeted by Sean and Kyle with a pair of elaborate, awkward man hugs. I have to say I was pretty impressed by the length of their bro-beards. I was particularly fascinated by the pubic quality of Sean's. After seeing Colpitts double-fisting Long Island Iced Teas, I realized that everyone was several, several rounds ahead of me and decided to get a round of shots. This 'take a shot - admire a beard - take a shot' cycle continued for a while. Somewhere along the way Kyle had used his charm (or more likely some sort of powerful Hobbit magic) to lure two girls into our friendship circle. After a lot of witty banter between us dudes and these two impressionable young nymphs, we were shocked when they left without telling us where they were going.

We were thinking about sticking around, but everyone was pretty tired from chasing those two girls down the street; so instead, we decided to go get some Jack in the Box and call it a night. Unbeknowst to us, Kyle had other plans. While Sean, Cantu and I piled into a cab (Colpitts had been involuntarily escorted from the bar several hours earlier), Kyle closed the sliding door of the minivan cab while standing on the outside of it. After finally getting him in the cab, we headed to Jack in the Box and got a pretty huge feast, with semi-edible delights ranging from jalepeno poppers to burgers to egg rolls. On the way back to the Grigio, Colpitts's apartment complex, Cantu managed to pass out and completely forget that we had ever stopped for food. When he did wake up, Cantu was polite enough to thank us for the food which he had ordered himself 10 minutes beforehand. After finishing our meal on Colpitts' cardboard dining table, Sean, Cantu and I decided to have a few swimming competitions out in the pool. Kyle, unfortunately, had had enough by that point and fell asleep on the couch murmuring something about Colby O'Donis.

When we made it out to the pool, we all competed in several swimming and handstand events. Sean won a fair amount of these competitions because of his half-fish, half-human body. We ran into a couple bar friends at the pool and enjoyed a few more bro-brews. During our 4-hour pool session, no less than 3 different groups of scantily clad ladies happened upon the pool. Apparently it's against the law in Arizona for girls to wear bathing suits so that was fun; either that, or we had accidentally stumbled onto the set of the Bad Girl's Club. My favorite of the girls repeatedly insisted that she was a mermaid and would continually swim into your leg in mermaid swimming form to reinforce the fact that she was indeed a mermaid.

With so much rowdy mermaid activity, the local apartment rent-a-cops were eventually called in on a noise complaint. Cantu thought this was an ideal time to take several steps back from the pool and do a huge front-flip/cannonball maneuver that left everyone within a 50-foot radius soaking wet. Needless to say, the fuzz were none too happy with that move and quickly tried to remove us from the pool area. After some smooth talking from Sean, they let us stay. We hung out in the pool for a bit longer and, in typical fashion, CLOSED THE DEAL with the scantily clad ladies. And by closing the deal I mean staring at them a little longer before going back to Colpitts's apartment to pass out. Colpitts's roommate is some kind of Eskimo and keeps the apartment at a brisk 52 degrees. I'm pretty sure I caught a case of minor hypothermia, but at least I got to sleep on the couch, which is more than I can say for Sean and Cantu. It was a great start to the trip for me and Cantu. We're both looking forward to our next stop - the Grand Canyon.

- Georgie